The education of a parent. You may be thinking, don’t you mean the education of a child? Those teaching moments, moments when you see your child grasp something big, learning to walk or eat their first ice cream. The moments they learn a lesson or have an experience that changes their life. One that gives them more freedom or adds new responsibility. They are so fun to watch as a parent and so rewarding for your child.
Now that my children are grown, these are the moments I remember most. Not just because they learned something, but because, in many cases, I did. It recently occurred to me that these teaching moments weren’t just their education; they were mine as well. You can read a thousand books on parenting, and sometimes I feel like I did, but the truth is it is the one thing that you learn, truly learn, as you live it.
How do we learn to be good parents?
I firmly believe that in many ways, we learn from our children.
Take, for instance, the time my daughter struggled to ride a bike. She was so excited to take the training wheels off that little pink bicycle. She looked intently, at the same bike she had ridden for a couple of years, as if she had never seen it before. Without the training wheels, it was truly a new adventure. A little afraid to get on and wobbling wildly at first, even as I held it steadily. We practiced in the driveway, and I was thinking soon she would feel a little more confident and at that point I would let go. We tried again and again, but she never quite got it. I’d follow close behind, letting go, only to quickly grab the bike when she wobbled wildly, so afraid she would get badly hurt. We practiced another day, and then another. Her friends of the same age were beginning to ride on their own and she wanted so badly to join them. I wasn’t sure what more I could do to help her.
Then one day, my niece spent just a few moments with her, and suddenly, she was riding on her own. Watching from the kitchen window, astonished, I ran outside in amazement, exclaiming loudly to my niece, “how?”. “What did you do?”
My niece walking toward me, simply shrugged and said, “I don’t know how I helped her.” She seemed confused, Then, she said, “I just let go.”
She let go!
Stunned. It hit me like a rock.
I realized at that moment that I had never truly let go. Well, I did but then I grabbed her again before she recovered. Always trying to stabilize her before she fell, not realizing I hadn’t given her a chance to fall, and therefore, hadn’t given her a chance to succeed. That day, I learned one of the hardest lessons of parenting: letting go.
When my younger daughter was ready to learn to ride without training wheels, I passed off the responsibility of teaching to someone who could let go, and of course, she learned right away. Yes, I missed the joy of being right there, which I sacrificed to save her from being subject to the frustrations of an overprotective Mom.
It was a small thing to many, but to me, it was a significant growing experience in my parenting. I learned that knowing when to stop helping with homework, when to stop reminding them of this or that, when to let them grow on their own, is one of the hardest things a parent will ever do. The thing that helped me the most was learning that I shouldn’t be afraid to let them try and therefore allow them to succeed on their own, even when it is very hard to do.
Letting Go again!
“Mom, can I cross the street by myself?” “No.”
“Mom, can I cross the street by myself?” “No.”
A few days later:
“MOM, I WANNA CROSS THE STREET BY MYSELF!
I’LL BE CAREFUL! I’LL LOOK BOTH WAYS!
I’LL CALL YOU WHEN I GET TO MY FRIEND’S HOUSE! IF THERE’S TOO MUCH TRAFFIC, I’LL TURN AROUND AND COME HOME!
MOM, MOM!!!”
She had a strategy. She had a follow-up plan. She had a Plan B. She articulated it well and she was confident in her decisions. I couldn’t help but think, when did my sweet young child get her MBA? She sounded very mature, having carefully taken every step, every possible downside into consideration. She had almost created a responsibility matrix, minus the graphs and charts.
At that moment, I knew, not only was she ready, but she was also very possibly going to be in management someday, having demonstrated significant project management skills with her self-motivation and sound plan of action.
I used to worry about how to know when they were ready for things on their own, at least until that day. On that day, I learned that when they are, they’ll find a way to let you know. In some cases, such as this one, they will decide while you are deciding, and they will blow away any fears that you have about letting them go.
Knowing that your child can complete a task is one thing but knowing that they can assess and make determinations and therefore, good decisions on their own, that is a lesson worth learning.
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I really love this!
Thank you so much