We’ve gotten at least hundreds of questions via email from lesbians of all ages who haven’t had lesbian sex and are worried they don’t know “how.” Well, listen: enjoying sex isn’t about memorizing 16 positions or knowing the best angle to fuck from, enjoying sex is half-animal half-heart and only rarely has it got anything to do with your rational brain, or cognitive reasoning, or anything a person could tell you or anything you could read on the internet.
And while it’s true that one day you’ll be more confident and experienced than you are now, it’s also true that your body was born knowing how to have sex like it was born knowing how to eat. Your first time doesn’t have to be a big deal, some of us don’t even remember our first times. Alternately, if you want it to be a big deal, it can be. But ultimately every woman is different — totally, completely, entirely different — from the next. So what could we tell you, really?
However — at the same time, many of us recall a period of time when sex felt like fumbling, or improv, trying to play a sport we didn’t understand, like badminton. Or a sport everyone thought we should be good at but we weren’t. Meanwhile, others recall hopping into bed and instinctually knowing what to do from the moment of entry. Many of us had sex with boys in our teens and didn’t bang a lady ’til our mid-to-late-twenties, and felt like rookies all over again. So we can understand how you might feel a little better knowing a little something before you take the plunge.
Women’s sexuality, let alone queer sexuality, is usually ignored by sex ed programs. And while many heteros learn about sex together in their early teens, many lesbians don’t start that early and/or aren’t peer socialized into the sexual universe like straights are, not to mention that our entire media culture is structured around and obsessed with heterosexual sex.